SQUIRRELS RIGHTS.
THE REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering
grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE NEW ZEALAND VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and
well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and
starving.
TV Three shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with
a table laden with food.
The New Zealand press inform people that they should be ashamed that
in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper
Council of NZ demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
TV One, interrupting a cultural festival special from Wellington with
breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".
Michael Cullen rants in an interview with Kim Hill that the squirrel
has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax
hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases
the charge for squirrels to enter inner Auckland.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the
beginning of the summer.
The squirrel' s taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined
for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on
his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the
grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a state house, financial aid to
furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially
mobile.
The squirrels food is seized and re distributed to the more needy
members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a
temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had arrived illegally on a boat as
they had to share their country of origin with mice.
On arrival they have tried to blow up the viaduct because of New
Zealand's apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested as illegal
overstayers and for attempted bombing but were immediately released because the
police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned
because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats
devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A Campbell Live special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of
the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to
maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government
funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the NZ courts for their treatment since
arrival in New Zealand.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
burglary to get money for his "P" habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately
because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the
care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few
weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10,000,000 and
state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased.
The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for
enriching New Zealand's multicultural diversity and dogs are
criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the
press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root
causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience
of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid a
million dollars each because their rights were infringed when the government
failed to inform them there were mice in New Zealand.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their
credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law
and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because
of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
In addition the squirrel decides enough is enough and
sells up everything he owns and pisses off to Australia!
Home 
Portal 
Search 
Latest images 
Register 
Log in 
